


Captain Sparkles and the Insidious Intern

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Darcy is a bit of a psycho, F/M, Its just rubbish honestly, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 03:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6736219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As first meetings went, theirs was... Interesting to say the least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Meet Cute for the History Books

**Author's Note:**

> This is just pure rubbish, to be honest. 
> 
> Also, for those of you who really like proper characterisation, plots and the like, this is probably not the story for you. Some of the Avengers are little out of character, in that I lightened their personalities a little bit in comparison to the comics.
> 
> (Also, does anyone actually read these things or am I just talking to myself???)
> 
> If you do decide to read it, I really hope you enjoy it!

Steve eyed the dilapidated building skeptically. It was a rundown car showroom, large windows glinting brightly in the early morning sun. The showroom looked completely empty, but Steve was willing to bet it wasn’t.

“Are you sure?” He asked Natasha.

Natasha looked annoyed as she stared at the building, arms folded. “The message came from here.”

“Guys!” Clint whined behind them. “Can we go inside? I’m dying out here!”

Steve glanced back and saw his teammates wilting in the hot sun. Sighing, he shoved open the door to the building. There was a hiss as the door opened and Steve saw that he had been right, because unlike the view from the outside, the inside of the showroom was not empty. There were metal desks set up around the edge of the large space, whiteboards scattered across the floor and ramshackle machines and machine parts everywhere.

“Welcome to Jane and Darcy’s humble abode of fire, brimstone and half-baked science, take a number and someone will be with you soon.” The girl lying across one of the desks greeted lazily, phone held above her head.

Steve blinked.

Tony stepped forward, face-plate flipping up as he leered at the curvy young woman. “Short and Stacked, we’re here to see Jane Foster.”

The girl looked away from her phone long enough to throw Tony an unimpressed look. “Well no shit, Mustache Maestro.”

“Mustache Ma- It’s a goatee!” Tony spluttered indignantly.

Steve suppressed a smile.

“Uh huh. Take a number.” She drawled, waving vaguely at the battered ticket dispenser taped crookedly to the wall.

Steve looked at the ticket dispenser and then back at the young woman, confused. Wanda murmured something under her breath and Natasha blew out an annoyed sigh.

“And… Uh, what would our wait time be?” Steve asked, watching the woman scroll lazily.

Natasha dropped her head into the palm of her hand.

The girl shrugged. “Could be five minutes, could be five hours, really depends.”

The showroom was silent for a few awkward minutes.

“On?” Stark prompted.

“When I get hungry.”

Steve sighed. “We don’t have time for this.” He said shortly, putting his shield back in its harness and striding forward. The girl hummed, tapping something on her screen.

“You don’t wanna do that, Legally Blonde.” She warned lazily. “Wait. No. Stop.” She said, flapping a hand at him as he approached the desk.

He got two steps away from the desk before there was a loud sizzling noise and a crackle of blue electricity. He yelped in pain, stumbled and then fell hard on his ass.

The Avengers blinked at the sight of their fearless leader on the ground, smoking slightly, hair on end.

The girl sat up. “Oh dear.” She said drolly, “He’s been electrocuted.”

Steve pushed himself up off the floor and eyed the brunette warily. His entire body tingled with residual energy and his skin felt tight.

She pointed at the ticket dispenser. “Number and then sit your spangly ass on one of those chairs Rambo.”

Tony took a number and they all sat.

Twenty minutes later and there was a loud bang from the back room followed by a wail.

“Darcy! Hector exploded again!”

The girl, Darcy, rolled her eyes and dropped her phone into her pocket. “Again, Janey?” She yelled, jumping off the desk and disappearing further into the run down showroom. There was some loud swearing and several loud crashes before a disheveled woman skittered to the front room.

She stared at the seated Avengers for a long moment, mouth open.

Steve stood. “Jane Foster?” He asked with a polite smile.

She blinked at him. “Darcy! There are people here!”

“What?!”

“There are people here! Why are there people in my house?”

“Oh- Yeah, the Avengers turned up- Ow fuck-”

Jane frowned and folded her arms. “What.” She demanded.

Steve blinked, confused and Tony decided to intervene. The billionaire stood up with a charming smile. “Jane Foster, Tony Stark, I’m here to offer you a job.”

Doctor Foster snorted. “Darcy, you sure these aren’t more of those robot things Fury keeps sending around?”

“Pretty- FUCK- Sure, the big spangly one got electrocuted and he didn’t start spouting code, so.”

“Robot things?”

“LMD’s.” The tiny doctor waved a hand. “They’re pretty easy to deal with.”

Steve eyed the desk. “We gathered.”

Jane shrugged. “Darcy likes to electrocute things.”

“Damn straight I do.” The other girl, Darcy, strolled back into the room, wiping her hands on a dirty rag. “Blond and cut here only went down for like, a second.” She cocked her head at Steve. “Steroids will make your dick shrink.”

Steve gaped at her.

Tony and Sam burst into hysterical giggles.

She shrugged, completely unapologetic. “Dick shrinkage is a thing.”

* * *

 

Steve was more than a little worried when Fury hired the plucky brunette on the spot after reviewing the footage that Stark's suit had captured.


	2. The Wonders of the Internet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets a crash course in the wonders of internet pornography.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I was only expecting a few reviews on this rubbish, so thank you to everyone who left a comment or kudos for me! You were all so lovely and kind! You guys really made my day, so I hope my particular brand of idiocy can at least make you smile a bit.
> 
> Anywhoo... Just a quick warning - There's mention of porn in this chapter. Steve and Darcy don't do the do, and it's not explicit. If that doesn't float your goat, then you may want to skip this story :D
> 
> I really hope you enjoy!

Chapter Two - The Wonders of the Internet

* * *

 Steve gaped at the computer screen, more than a little horrified and just a little bit confused. The animated woman on screen bounced ridiculously, back arched back impossibly.

One moment he had been reading up on the history behind China and Taiwan’s less than warm relationship when the screen of his computer had gone black. At first, he’d thought he’d unplugged it by accident and gotten under the desk to see if the plug needed to be slotted back in.

By the time he’d checked and rechecked the connections, and sat back up, there was music emanating from his speakers.

A moment later, a naked animated woman ran across his screen, followed by a slimy green beast. A few moments later, Steve gaped in confusion as loud gasping and screaming in Japanese rang out through his office.

He had tried closing the window but the screen was frozen or something because his cursor refused to move. Turning the computer off had done nothing at all. Neither did unplugging it.

All he had been able to do was plug headphones into the port so the orgasmic screams and wet squelching had stopped echoing loudly around his office.

Face burning, Steve jabbed the power button a few times.

It did nothing.

The door to his office burst open. “Oh Captain, my Captain!”          

Steve jumped, slamming his knee into the bottom of his desk, rattling everything on it. The girl from New Mexico, Darcy, bounced into his office, holding a plate piled high with brownies.

“Yo.” She said, balancing the plate on one hand and waving at him.

“Uh, Miss Lewis…” He spluttered, chancing a glance at his computer screen, where the beast was still writhing around the animated woman, whose impossibly large breast were bouncing in a way Steve was sure wasn’t possible. “W-what are you doing?”

She lifted her plate of brownies. “I made these for you to say sorry for electrocuting you that one time.”

Steve remembered the incident vividly. Stark and Barton hadn’t stopped asking him whether the serum had actually shrunk his dick.

For the record, it hadn’t.

“Uh. That’s alright, Miss Lewis-”

She waved a hand flippantly and set the plate down on his desk before bouncing up to perch on the edge. Steve kept his eyes on her face. “Miss Lewis makes me sound like a librarian. Just call me Darcy.”

“Uh-” Steve winced when there was a particularly loud scream that he could hear through the headphones lying on his desk.

Darcy cocked her head at the headphones. “Whatcha watching?” She asked, reaching for them.

Steve snatched them away before she could put them in her ears. Unfortunately, he misjudged how long the cord was and yanked them out of his computer.

Wet squelching and gurgling filled the air.

Horrified, Steve fumbled with the white cord, trying to stab it back into his computer.

“Kinky.”

Steve’s head snapped up to see that Darcy had spun his monitor around and was watching the scene play out, her face more than a little amused.

“It’s not… I didn’t, I wasn’t watching that!” Steve spluttered loudly, pulling the computer screen away from her and jabbing the earbuds back into the port. His office fell mercifully silent. “I don’t know what happened!” He cried. “I was reading about China and Taiwan and then the next minute, _that_ popped up!”

Darcy cocked an eyebrow at him, a smile pulling at her full lips. “Uh huh.”

“I wasn’t watching it!” Steve insisted, face and neck burning.

“God,” Darcy said, biting her lip, smile still curling her mouth. “You’re so cute!”

Steve blinked in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

She laughed and hopped off his desk and meandered around it. Shooing him out of the way, she knelt quickly and felt around behind of his computer for a second. She hummed a little, and his computer screen went black a moment later.

She stood up and waved a matte black USB at him. “Stark.” She said by way of explanation, dropping it into his hand.

Steve sighed, putting the USB in his pocket to return to Tony.

“You should get him back, you know.” Darcy said, poking the Black Widow bobble head figurine Sam had bought him. “I could help you.”

“I think Tony is smarter than the both of us combined.” Steve said, heaving another sigh and gently guiding Darcy back around his desk. “Thank you for… Uh, that.” He said, jerking his chin at the dead computer screen.

Darcy saluted him sloppily and stole a brownie of the plate. “Don’t worry, Cap.” She said. “I’ll defend your honour!” And then she flounced from his office, sweet smelling hair smacking him in the face.

Steve watched her go in confusion, a tiny smile on his face.

* * *

 The next time the Avengers were called out to deal with one of Reed Richards’ experiments gone awry, Steve was more than a little amused to see that someone had painted Tony’s suit bright pink, with little orange and green flowers decorating the helmet.

The tramp stamp on the Iron Man armour that read, ‘FRIDAY’s Boy Toy’, was the icing on the cake and Steve had to turn off his comms so he wouldn’t clog up the channel with his giggling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was pure crack. I'm sorry.
> 
> Leave a review if you wish!

**Author's Note:**

> So I know it says Steve/Darcy in the tags, but it's more like Pre-Steve/Darcy... But I didn't know how to tag that because I don't know how tagging works. I'm sorry if it's wrong... but I'm old and don't know how to work all of these newfangled gadgets. 
> 
> Also, don't expect this to go anywhere serious or have much drama. I can't write serious or drama because lets be honest, I'm lazy as fuck. This story will be pure ridiculousness, so please don't take any of what I write too seriously. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Leave a comment if you spot a mistake or if I've mis-characterised anyone in some horribly grievous way (I haven't read the comics in a while so I'm a bit rusty...) :D


End file.
